"Eating without crustice will result in regret rather than satisfaction" - Pladough

Pizza

Rating system explained

Not all pizza is created equal, Sep 10, 2017

I’ve considered a few different options for how to do ratings on this blog. My first thought was to make it based on how pieces of pizza were left form a pizza, with the fewer pieces the better. That seemed a little complicated and prone to be misunderstood. Some people might think if I rated some place as 1 slice, meaning I would eat one slice from there and be done, as being great because I would be showing 7/8 of a pizza and more pizza is good, right?

Next I thought I would base it on full pizzas, where pizzas replace stars in a traditional rating system. That, while fine, is just a generic swap out and the meaning doesn’t correlate to anything in the real world like the previous idea. At least the meaning would be clear, though.

What I have settled on is a merging of these two ideas. The rating of each pizza place or type of pizza will be based on slices, more specifically the numbers of slices that I would like to eat of said pizza if I was ravenous and had just ran a full marathon so I wasn’t worried about calories at all. Since the most standard size (there is no such thing, I know) slices of pizza I’d ever be able to eat at one time is around 10, this works out rather well.


10 slices = Transcendental

This pizza is so good that while eating it you feel like you have transcended this mortal realm for a time. Eating this pizza is what allowed Ghandi to then go on to his long hunger strikes. This pizza is the explanation of every mystical thing that has ever happened.


9 slices = Completely Awesome

It is hard to imagine pizza better than this. It is very close to perfect and it is rare to have pizza better than this. Once in a while pizza than is usually worse than this can reach this level, but no higher. If you have a place this good near you, you almost never get pizza form anywhere else.


8 slices = Excellent

Whenever you get this pizza, you end up eating the entire thing even though you know it is a terrible idea for whatever reason. You might be about to go to bed, or you might be about to go for a run, but it doesn't matter because this pizza is just soooo good.


7 slices = Very Good

This pizza is really great without quite reaching the heights of the truly special. When you get pizza this good you are happy and never disappointed. When someone tells you they found a great new pizza place you HAVE to try, you expect it to be about this good. This is usually where your favorite national chain pizza ends up.


6 slices = Solidly Delicious

This is tasty pizza, but it is just a touch above ordinary. It will satisfy your pizza cravings. Your second tier national chains are usually right around here.


5 slices = Mediocre

This pizza is just meh when it comes to pizza. Now, since it is pizza and even mediocre pizza is pretty good. You'll eat your fill of this pizza, but it won't earn any compliments form you except that maybe it was filling. You'll definitely stop once you are only slightly full, though.


4 slices = below average

This pizza is not something you will ever choose when it is up to you. Someone else bought this, or it was the only option available. This is where your least favorite national chain ends up.


3 slices = At least it's pizza

This pizza's only saving grace is the fact that it is pizza. It has nothing else going for it. You eat it because you are hungry, but once the you've taken the edge off your hunger, you stop eating this. This is where you expect gas station or cafeteria pizza to be.


2 slices = I think it's pizza?

This might be some other food masquerading as pizza, because it just isn't any good. As the saying goes, even bad pizza is good pizza, but this is not good at all, so it must not be pizza. You only eat the second slice because you are sure something must have been wrong with the first slice, like you got a dud or something.


1 slice = Yikes!

This is just terrible. You eat one slice of it out of guilt because you touched it and took a bite and can't put it back, but it is just no good whatsoever. How this is even called pizza is a mystery, and if this has been sold by someplace, it is a wonder that place is still in business. You don't just not eat this, you warn everyone away form it.


0 slices = Won't even touch it

This 'pizza' looks and/or smells so vile you won't even deign to take a single bite despite being really hungry.

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